Machismo (Pt. 1)
As Mangar stood above the slain beast, slathered in its oil-black blood, he could hear a roar of men and women grow around him. It was the cheers of the peasants, the men and women the heroes saved on their daring quest had come to see the final battle against the evil God-Bard.
There they stood together, Mangar the Barbarian, Totee the Halfling, and the beautiful Sorceress Weanna, triumphant on their darkest day.
“'Kay that's good, bio break.” Chuck said. The wiry dungeon master rose from behind the propped up peachy folders that made up his secretive 'DM screen' and headed out of the room, leaving behind his three players.
This was Rick's house, or his mom's house to be more specific. Yet he wasn't in charge of the game, that was Chuck's job, which is why they would usually be over at his house to play, if his Mom and Dad weren't having their little 'spat' that was going on 3 months now.
Rick was happy to host everyone though, even if Rick's mom thought Jay talked way too loud (which yeah, he does), and Seth left food everywhere (which he does). These were his friends, for the most part. Having them over once a week was a boon.
Jay got up to stretch, his mouth opening wide and letting out a heavy yawn that he tried to talk through.
“My rolls... were so... horrible tonight,” Jay said.
“Your rolls are always horrible.” Seth said, “Every night, you're just a useless pile of hairy feet and bad puns.”
Rick laughed as Jay took a fake swing at Seth.
The door to the basement burst open behind them, sending a few cans of Mountain Dew scattering across the floor. Instead of Chuck, Rick's older brother Junior stood there. A groan passed between the players.
Junior swaggered into the room, a root beer in one hand and a basket of smug in the other, “You kids still in here playing your baby games?”
Everyone ignored him, except for Seth who simply stared.
“You know Dicky,” Junior said, using his favorite nickname for Rick, “If you stopped spending your Saturdays with these retards you might get laid before you graduate. Lords know all of you could use it.”
Rick let out a sigh, this was business as usual for his brother. Somewhere between losing his virginity and getting in his first car accident, he became god's gift to anything with a hole. He always had a new girlfriend, he was moved up to first string power forward on the Basketball team, and Rick swore even Junior's singing voice had improved.
“Whatever,” Rick responded, “Can you go now?”
Junior laughed along with no one and turned to leave, “You babies have fun, let mom know if you need a change.”
His laughter could be heard going up the steps even after the door closed.
“Man he is a douche.” Rick said.
“He has a point thought,” Jay said.
Rick and Seth both turned to look at the Halfling player.
“How?” Seth said with hands thrown up, “How does he have a point?”
Jay looked between them, “Well, when was the last time you had a girlfriend Rick?”
Rick looked at the ceiling and thought, about Betty, May, Alison, Tiffany.
“Never,” Rick said, “But this is High School man, you know how it is.”
Seth leaned back in his chair, “What happened with you and Karen?” He said.
Karen was a cute little blond girl they all shared Math class with. She was a little naïve in that way where you didn't know if they were actually naïve or just in complete denial.
“I don't really like Karen.” Rick said.
They responded in unison, “Don't like Karen?”
Rick scrunched up his face.
“I like Karen,” Seth said with a grin.
“I like Karen's laugh.” Jay said.
“Well yeah, you guys like Karen.”
“I like Karen's titties.” Jay said, his eyes rolling back in his head in an exaggerated fashion.
“Oh yeah, wonderful breast. Just makes you wanna...”
“...Oh I know, nice shape, and those shirts, I just want to...”
“...The things I would do.”
The door opened yet again and Chuck returned.
“Uhm,” Chuck said, “What're we talking about?”
“Nothing,” Rick said.
“Karen's wonderful sweater babies,” Seth said.
Chuck stopped in place, his face as expressionless as Rick had ever seen it. The DM cleared his throat, then walked back to his place.
“Oh.” Chuck said.
“Lets just start again,” Rick said.
From behind his screen they could see chuck moving things around, hear the shuffling of loose pages of notes and story. He mumbled something to himself, and each of the players waited in silence for the action to begin.
Chuck cleared his throat again.
The heroes basked in the glory of victory, flowers raining upon them, and heartfelt tears spilling at their feet. The world was saved yet again, thanks to their fearless actions in the face of mortal danger. No one could stand before them and call them anything less than legends, great warriors willing to put the common man before their own wellbeing.
Suddenly the crowd grew quiet, and they parted to let through a busty maiden, the Princess of Charlezonia. Her body bursting with affection for the saviors of her land. One by one she pressed herself against them and gave unto them a deep kiss...
“That's it,” Rick said, “This is too much.”
“He was just getting to the good part,” Seth said.
Rick took a breath and looked between his friends. They knew him, he knew them, they were good guys. Yet something seemed sad, about all of it.
“Does she really have to be the 'busty maiden'?” Rick said.
Jay cocked an eyebrow at him like Rick just finished a handstand, in his underwear.
“Would you rather she be the homely peasant girl? Or the face-only-a-goblin-could-love chick?” Jay said.
“I uh, I could do homely.” Chuck said, his eyes just showing above his peachies.
“No one adventures for homely,” Seth said while adjusting his eyewear, “No one slays the darkest spawn of the unknown reaches for homely.”
“I'd slay all sorts of spawn for Karen.”
“I'd darkest spawn all over Karen.”
“I don't even like Karen,” Rick Said.
“You don't need to,” Seth said, “This isn't about liking her is it? Its about what Junior said. All he said was to get laid. You think Junior liked the girls he slept with?”
Somewhere deep Rick imagined his brother liked each and every one of them, or at least liked the way they looked after a few beers. They were his girls, even if he used them as an emulator for lotion and tissue paper, and trashed them just as fast.
“What are you going to do? Go be big dog like Junior?” Seth said, “You can bust a few cans on your forehead, and piss on the neighbors lawn.”
Chuck made a hissing sound from behind his screen, his own little laugh that sounded like a Disney movie snake.
Rick rubbed the side of his head, “I just don't know. Junior is an idiot, but I guarantee every girl he hasn't already bespoiled is just hoping he ask for their number. I could get a degree, spend my whole life studying, and unless I get rich I'll never have that.”
“Of course,” Jay said, “That's why you're here, and he is out there.” He said while pointing.
Seth whispered, “Out where?”
“If you wanted the get girls quick plan, you'd be out there. You want success and money. So you study. This is obvious stuff man.”
Rick shook his head, “But I might not get rich, and he could still get a good job.”
“You could go out there and get a girl, if you bulked up a little,” Seth said, “Maybe hit the gym.”
“He doesn't need to bulk up,” Jay said, “Don't tell him that.”
“Look at him.”
Rick's eyes went wide, “What does that mean?”
“Yeah, he is fine the way he is. Heck, the right clothes and a little make up, I'd go for it.” Rick said, then added, “No homo.”
Seth's lips mouthed, “What.”
Rick turned from Jay to Chuck, “I could try it. You know, why not. Hell, I'll go for Karen. It's not like I'm worried about divine brimstone or something, getting laid could be helpful.”
“You don't even like Karen,” Jay said.
“... saying no homo doesn't count if its totally homo...” Seth said as they spoke.
“Yeah, but that's even better. I don't need a relationship before college anyway.”
“Uhm,” Chuck said, making everyone grow quiet to hear him, “You could also become a complete dick.”